Desert Idleness

No more idleness in the desert

2006-07-04T13:06:00.000+04:00

Sorry for not updating this blog in a while, I've been running around finalising our preparations to leave. So yes, after a few years out here in the desert we've had enough and decided to head for greener pastures (literally and metaphorically).
This might end up being a long post and I won't be editing it so excuse me if I ramble.

In the last two years, we have seen costs literally shoot through the roof. In 2005 we saw our rent soar, but we hoped this would be an isolated incident. In our minds we thought surely no landlord would hike the rent again on the back of a 35% rise? How f***king wrong we were!

My opinion is that things are not adding up at all, and something has GOT to give. According to an article that came out recently, Dubai ranks amongst the top 25 most expensive cities in the world to live in. Interesting that only last year it was placed at 75th. The fact that it climbed 50 places in a year is just staggering.

A few months ago, Gulf News published an article proudly proclaiming the economy grew by 25% over the previous year. What they didn't tell you was that if you subtracted inflation from this figure, the growth was only around 8%. So yep, inflation was in the double digits. To put this in perspective, most developed countries don't want inflation to be anymore than around 3% a year.

In the first half of the year, the stock market in Dubai lost $76billion dollars. Billion. http://www.menafn.com/qn_news_story_s.asp?StoryId=1093118672. That's 35% of its value. But people are still smiling, as if its perfectly normal. In any normal country, a loss of 10% is considered a pretty bad crash, but don't you dare use the c-word here. No no, it's just a 'correction' according to the powers that be. Are we really living in a bubble so big we can't see the obvious?

Last October, a friend of mine tried to get me to invest in the stockmarket. Thank God I didn't. I did a bit of research, asked why people invested in stock X instead of stock Y, etc. Soon I realised 90% of the people I knew had no bloody clue what they were doing in the stockmarket! For them it was just a game of putting the money (or for some, their lifesavings) into it and watching the numbers rise. Stockbrokers were the worst. When shares in (insert name) company fell, their standard response was 'not to worry, it will go up again after New Years'. Why New Years, I'd ask. They'd just shrug, 'oh it just does'. They had no bloody clue either.

And now the property market. I really think it's bordering on being ridiculous now. I can't see how the value of a villa can rise by Dhs100,000 in just two months. To me, that really isn't sustainable. Don't get me started on rents either. I know people who were considering moving to Dubai but the number one thing that puts them off are the rents. What is worse is you have no clue what the rent will be like next year, so its impossible to know what your housing allowance/budget should be. And I think asking for Dhs200,000/year for a villa is insane. Even Sharjah is getting expensive, rent-wise and families there are moving further afield to Al Ain. A lot of people I know are fed up and are leaving, to me it seems more people are leaving this summer than before.

A year or two ago I would have laughed if someone said there was a bubble. Well, not laughed but I would have been a bit sceptical. But this time I am wondering. When you look around you, you realise all of this really isn't sustainable at all. Something has GOT to give, and when it does, I think it's going to be very nasty.

We'll be leaving Dubai very shortly, like many others we know. It's been fun in many ways, but I don't think I could put up with it for any longer.

For all those that say Dubai has no culture..

2006-06-04T20:49:00.000+04:00

There are regular musicals and concerts at the Madinat J, Dubai Properties has just purchased 50billion 'deerums' worth of kulcha for the tourists and residents of Dubai. I tell you, what more could you want?

Life in Dubai suburbia

2006-05-28T16:33:00.000+04:00

There is a realisation that all is well in Dubai's oldest gated community, when the greatest controversy at the moment is whether 'houseservants' should be allowed to use the communal pools.

"...personally I do not feel comfortable with this, if I go to the pool I like to be able to have a conversation and socialise with people I have something in common with."

Same shit different logo?

2006-05-25T17:19:00.000+04:00

So now Etisalat has launched a new identity and a new logo comes as part of the package.

Head Etisalat dishdash's words on the new unveiling:
"Our new identity strengthens our commitment towards achieving new levels of excellence in services offered to our valued customers".

Personally, it reminds of an upside-down teardrop, maybe symbolising the grief and torment customers have to go through when dealing with the company.

You could become even more imaginative and say the green parts represent grass - something to tempt us mere mortals to the attractive force that is Etisalat, like irresistable promotions maybe? Then we get sucked into the white abyss in the middle - this part symbolising the monopoly grip Etisisham has over all of us, with no escape.

This new logo admittedly does a much better job of symbolising everything the company is about than the previous one!

Good things happen to those who wait...

2006-05-18T19:48:00.000+04:00

The Gods of Galadari are smiling down on the face of Desert Idleness once again, for they have lifted the ban on my viewing their website, allowing unfettered access. It's a pity though that, during my absence, they haven't been able to do away with those pop up ads that open up as soon as you enter the site. While the journalistic qualities of our 'Number one newspaper' *cough* *giggle* leaves a lot to be desired, it is obvious they've been directing their manpower into churning out extremely determined pop-ups that evade the two - one browser-inbuilt the other stand-alone - popup blockers on my computer.

Time to go?

2006-04-15T15:13:00.000+04:00

Up until recently, we enjoyed living in Dubai. No shortage of things to do, or places to see. It was until last year around the times when the conversation around the dinner table was about how your landlord had bumped up your rent by Dhs40,000 that we started to think Dubai was starting to lose it.
Forget traffic and ridiculous rents, Dubai has lost its charm. A few years ago, you thought of the Palm (the first one mind you, not the second and third copycats) as a wonder of the world. It sounded amazing and everyone talked about it excitedly. Now, everytime a development is announced, you think "how ridiculous" or "when will this end?"

Mentally, Dubai can be draining. I think everyone whos lived here has had that conversation about the superficiality of the place, so I won't go into that. But its obvious the mindset of the newly arrived expats has changed. Take a look at the 7days letters page with the city's versions of 'Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells' whinging on and on. Now, expats expect the place to resemble our home countries. In a way you can't blame them as the government seems to be bending over backwards to accomodate expats.

Not to mention the stupid rise in the cost of living. Last year our landlord served a notice a month before renewal, raising our rent several times more than 10% of the (back then) current rent. After negotations with the landlord who refused to budge, and the company we work for, the latter agreed to pay for the full rent increase. Now this year, he wants to raise it by another Dhs20000, an increase of 15%. Someone else on our compound got served a rent increase notice, and it seems inevitable we will be getting a similar one. Our company haven't decided whether they still swallow the rent increase or if we will foot the bill. Costs are going up and up, while the quality of life has dramatically decreased. Full expat packages are slowly becoming a thing of the past, and its becoming harder to attract people to come and live in Dubai once they get an idea of the cost of living and compare it to what salaries they're being offered.

Now, we have the possibility of relocating and are seriously considering it. For us and many others we know like Keefie, it's very simple - Dubai has lost its charm. But should we leave, or stick it out for another year or two and see if those pesky rents and other costs fall? Bearing in mind VAT is coming in next year, giving greedy businessmen another opportunity to jack up prices, somehow I doubt they will.

Useless idiots

2006-03-27T18:23:00.000+04:00

Today, I had to call a sporting goods shop to find out if they stocked a certain product I was looking for.

Person on Telephone: Good Afternoon
Me: Hello, do you have xxx in stock?
Person on Telephone: *short pause* I don't know.
Me: *shock* You don't know?
Person on Telephone: No, I don't know.
Me: *pause* Er, well goodbye then.

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! You don't know? You don't KNOW?!! Well what are you paid to do then! Do you expect me to tell you over the phone how to find out whether a certain item is in stock or not?
I'm not one of those fussy expats who writes to 7Days to complain about the 'poor' standard of living here while sipping some Earl Grey and instructing the maid to go buy some new solid gold toilets for the house, but some people really are just clueless! Then again it probably wasn't his fault as maybe he wasn't equipped with grey matter between his ears. Sigh.

There are some things the Dubai PR machine would rather keep hushed...

2006-03-23T20:41:00.000+04:00

...except they can do nothing when the international press picks up the news.

1) Workers at the Burj Dubai strike over pitiful wages and poor working conditions, causing damage worth over $1 million.

2) Mumbai-bound Emirates flight in near miss incident.

She does it again

2006-03-21T22:14:00.000+04:00

Just when you thought 7Days' resident trash-spewer Lizzy Millar couldn't get any worse, out she comes with her latest 'article' on JLo.
Dizzy Lizzy asks "who in their right mind would go to see her perform?"
Probably a lot less than the number who would pay her to stop belching utter garbage on the pages of the tabloid.

Here comes the fall...

2006-03-17T12:22:00.000+04:00

How kind of those above to release the property law the day after 7days reports of the biggest UAE stock market crash yet. There is obviously a fear that the property market might take the same heavy tumble, so the hope is this long-awaited law might soften one, if (or when?) there is one.

Has anyone noticed how the word 'crash' seems to be against the moral and ethical fabric of UAE society, and is never used by the more conservative rags when describing what has been happening to the stock market? Does it instill great fear in the hearts of those who hear the word? I wouldn't be surprised if it was on some sort of Journalistic Banned Words List produced by the Dubai Propoganda Machine. From now on, whenever you see the word 'correction', think 'crash'.

Well done to Nicholas Hendriks for voicing what we've been saying all along - the Oasis Centre fire was a setup because its owners wanted to get rid of it. But will Vitamin W get them out of the hot water Mr Hendriks suddenly put them in?

Back in action

2006-03-13T06:19:00.000+04:00

I'm back in the blogging world, after a long but unplanned break.

Jumeirah Jane

2006-02-09T09:21:00.000+04:00

1. Original Jane
Has spent most of the last decade and perhaps even more withering away in her bougainvillea-strewn Jumeirah home. Other Janes view a friendship with her as something to be proud of. Her kids go to JESS, she shops at Wafi 'because it's the best', and plays tennis with 'the girls' at the One & Only when her husband's out of town and she's feeling lonely.

2. New Money Jane
Her previous life back home was relatively simple and modest until the 'Dear Husband' found a job here in the desertscape and suddenly both of them transformed their lifestyle. Personifies arrogance, name drops at every opportunity and queues up without shame at the Horse Races for the Ahlan! Mag phototaking sessions. She takes the maid for Spinneys shopping trips to push the trolley and to do the general housekeeping ('I don't do domestics darling!')

Ensures the house is spic and span ('Our maid scrubs the tiles, wipes the roof tiles and lives in a two-by-four room but we make sure she is very much a part of the family!') and religiously attends coffee mornings at the Lime Tree Cafe.

This Jane is generally terrified of moving back home to her modest upbringing and enjoys the bubble life of Dubai. Loses the ability of holding deep conversation and will eventually wither away into insignificance.

3. Jittery Jane
This Jane moved to Dubai a few years ago on a slightly-more-than-modest package and has faced a hard time since. Jittery Jane lives on the outskirts of Satwa but has no qualms calling the locality Jumeirah. On the outside she is very much a Jane but on the inside she fears the extravagant prices that seem to be shooting up even further. She disguises herself under a veil to prevent being spotted at an unfashionable Union co-op outlet and is attracted like flies to a garbage can to garage sales. Enjoys trips to The One with the girls but while the others are shaking in glee with their furniture purchases, she is secretely trembling with fright at the price.

This JJ is finding it increasingly harder to fund her lifestyle, but is horrified at the thought of downsizing to a life of Mirdiff Martyrdom, and possibly exclusion from her current social circles, as they realise she really isn't all that glam.

4. ex-Jumeirah Jane
This Jane bought a villa in the freehold developments and moved south to take up residence shortly after completion. Her bland surroundings reflect her personality - soulless and uninspiring. She lunches at the Lakes, shops at Spinneys at the Marina and does without the whole Lime Tree coffee morning rituals altogether, instead preferring to go to indulge in the wife-swapping that is rife in the new communities.
This species is particularly hopeless.

The grim reality of Dubai rents

2006-02-03T18:05:00.000+04:00

This is just to show you just exactly how crazy rents have become.

May 2004
4 bedrooms, family room, 4000sq feet, no lake/park view, landscaped garden in The Meadows.
Rent: Dhs120,000 per year

February 2006
4 bedrooms, family room, 4000 sq feet, no lake/park view, landscaped garden in The Meadows.
Rent: Dhs205,000 per year

Where is the sense in all of this?!

More lies, but are we surprised?

2006-02-01T11:25:00.000+04:00

According to Gulf News, the government is set to announce the new property law for Dubai this month. Just how many times have we heard this before? I think Gulf News might have got mixed up - the authorities only announce they are going to release the freehold law every month, but never actually get round to doing it.

Forced into a utopia

2006-01-31T17:14:00.000+04:00

You may have heard of the recent controversy regarding Google's Image Search tool. As part of its agreement with the Chinese government to censor its search services in that country, the results when you type in 'Tiananmen' in Google.cn Image Search are, shall we say, more light hearted than when you key in the same word into Google.com Image Search.

It makes you wonder what Google search would be like if the service here was censored and what we could or couldn't see was decided for us by an influential group of men in towering dishdashes.

Uncensored search for anything to do with Dubai
Shifting sands see costs escalate on Palm Deira.

There have been reports that the only known coral reef off the shores of Dubai was destroyed during the dredging work [of the Palm Islands].

Nakheel's Garden View Villas went on sale in June 2003, but have never been delivered.

“The golf course we were promised has been cancelled, and they are going to build more villas there.” - Jumeirah Islands resident.

Porsche Cayenne crashes into villa garden in Meadows 5 off the main road

Redback infestation in the Springs, Lakes and Meadows.

Emaar profits fall for third quarter in a row

GCC stock markets are overvalued by more than $300 billion, and the Saudi Arabian bourse may be the most over-inflated in the world, says a report by Japanese investment bank Nomura.

Your Number 1 UAE Newspaper

2006-01-27T22:28:00.000+04:00

For the past week or two, my computer has been unable to access the Khaleej Times website. It keeps loading but never actually completes this process. I'm beginning to suspect the poor thing can't stand the poorly-written, hilariously backward newspaper either. And they say machines don't have feelings, ha!

Million Dirham Copycat

2006-01-25T13:24:00.000+04:00

After the huge success creative genius Alex Tew's site the Million Dollar Homepage had, a Dubai company now wishes to follow in his footsteps and sell pixels for a dirham each. Knowing how things work in Dubai, I already have an idea how this will turn out.

The site will probably still be under construction, but early investors can put down 10% deposits to buy offplan pixels until the website is ready in two years. Less than twenty four hours after launch, all the pixels will be sold out, and early investors will resell their pixel plots at over double the original price.
Local banks will be alarmed at the huge price increases and refuse to provide loans to people wishing to buy pixels in the secondary market. However, this will largely be due to the fact that there is no federal Pixel Ownership Law in existence.

Eventually, when the site is finished after numerous delays, it will be error prone and problem ridden and there will be massive changes to it that investors weren't told about when they were buying. The site owners will stop answering phone calls, only coming out with a response when their name is tarnished in local papers.

Hang on, hasn't something like this happened before?!

Bird flu's here

2006-01-18T15:49:00.000+04:00

The latest through the grapevine is that bird flu may be in Dubai, after several incidents that have happened.
However, there is nothing to fear. If any resident is feeling particularly peckish, all they need to do is fly as quickly as possible to Cyclone, where any of a multitude of dirham-loving, unashamedly daring prostitutes will take them on the ride of their life and quench their hunger for more.

The biggest lie of the day

2006-01-17T16:50:00.000+04:00

Today, a top level manager of the Telecoms Regulatory Authority in the country said the reason voice IP calls were banned and blocked by Etisalat was not due to a desire to protect their hefty profits.
No no no, he insists. They are in fact, "protecting customers".
A huge steaming pile of crap. Pigs can fly.

DEWA

2006-01-09T06:40:00.000+04:00

Recently, residents of the Lakes, Meadows and Springs could not receive water from their taps at home due to a DEWA fault.
So, dwellers of the aquatic sounding, greenery filled developments were without water for a day, while sandy 'old Dubai' had no problems? How ironic.

The markets here...

2005-12-31T09:08:00.000+04:00

The reason why the markets haven't crashed yet is because, when they are on the brink of doing so, the big players throw piles of cash at them, causing them to stabilise again and soar.
Forget waiting for that bubble in the stock market or real estate to burst - they will make sure it doesn't happen and prices will probably rise again in the new year.
Food for thought: Inflation for next year is expected to be around ten to fifteen percent.
Maybe it's time to invest in a vanilla villa* out in the sticks.

*Vanilla villa: one dull, dry, uninspirational house set among thousands of similar looking ones. Milton Keynes with palm trees.

New fines for speeding

2005-12-30T20:11:00.000+04:00

The front page of Emirates Today had an article about Dubai police planning to increase speeding fines up to Dhs 1,000. The new year hasn't even begun and they are already off to a good start! Such high fines will be excellent news and will make those budding Schumacher wannabees think twice before they try zooming down Sheikh Zayed Road in their deathtraps.
Better yet, automatically double the fine for anyone driving a sports car or four wheel drive, and triple the fine if the window tint on the offending car is greater than 30%.
Problem solved - no more reckless maniacs on Sheikh Zayed Racetrack trying to outdo each other in the level of stupidity their brains possess.

Jumeirah Blocks Residence

2005-12-28T14:15:00.000+04:00

Completion of the Jumeirah Concrete Blocks Residence has been delayed from this month to next summer. No doubt sold as the most exclusive address on the planet, in reality it is anything but. Mass produced towers set so close to each other, some are permanently shaded from the sun.
Marina dwellers breathe a sigh of relief, as time for them has been extended, before JBR residents move in and the area becomes swamped with traffic - the new Bur Dubai? - completely due to poor infrastructure planning.
Those among us with at least an iota of intelligence will ask why the roads and interchanges weren't built first. But ofcourse, roads don't make money, buildings do. So, lets cram an area full of thousands of villas, and provide a small two lane interchange with two roundabouts on each side for these villas, because somehow, magically, it is deemed more than adequate.

Tits out at the Greens

2005-12-26T14:18:00.000+04:00

Remember reading about the two ladies staying at the Greens who went topless at the swimming pool? That story made me laugh, because those 'New Dubai' areas really are carving out reputations for themselves. So now we have topless frolicking at the Greens, wife swapping at the Meadows, it really does seem a whole suburb of nutters from Umm Suqueim upped sticks and fled in droves to New Dubai, taking their crazy ways - indeed, it is said anyone who considers buying property in Dubai is mad - with them.
What stories should we start to expect from the Ranches - horse manure eating parties, with everyone sat round wearing crotchless underwear?

The art of using golf courses

2005-12-26T12:30:00.000+04:00

Personally I will never understand the obsession property developers have here with golf courses. It seems a golf course comes as standard on every single new development, no matter how big or small, low income or high income the project is.
Take Emaar's latest attempt to enter the Saudi real estate market, the King Abdullah Economic City. The press releases are peppered with the same overused words - luxurious, exclusive, etc - and there you have it, an "international-class signature 18-hole golf course".

It isn't just Emaar that loves golf courses, Nakheel shares the same fascination of building them on its developments. Well actually, I should have said they like selling homes on golf courses, then cancelling the golf course when said houses have been sold and building more houses on top, which is exactly what they did with Jumeirah Islands.

Doesn't it just render you speechless?

Merry Christmas

2005-12-25T10:05:00.000+04:00

Merry Christmas to all. As SecretDubai said, 2005 is the year when Christmas truly exploded in Dubai, with all sorts of events and displays in public places like shopping malls.
Have a good one, and none of this 'Happy Holidays' PC nonsense.

Big Brother Dubai

2005-12-22T13:01:00.000+04:00

The government here is planning on compiling a DNA database for all residents, expats and locals alike. They plan on taking saliva samples from people "when they apply for their unified national identification cards". National ID Cards? Satellite tracked cars? Saliva samples? Despite all the fanfare behind this soon-to-be approved database, there is no mention of who will, and who wont be allowed access to it. Will my saliva sample be erased from the database when I permanently leave the country? Can I see all information held about me? Will there be safeguards put into place to ensure the information isn't misused? Why isn't anyone asking such important questions?

This reminds me of an advert I heard on the radio for a service called Al Ameen. A female voice in the ad was complaining of how an unknown guy kept calling her phone and was harrassing her. She then called Al Ameen, and they 'dealt with it'. While the objective of the ad was to portray Al Ameen in a good light, it seemed so horribly sinister and spooky at the same time.

Back in the UK, David Blunkett tried to introduce a host of measures that would curb civil liberties, and privacy groups were in uproar. On the other hand, in Dubai, mandatory ID cards, DNA databases and other equally invasive things get approved without so much as a squeak from the local population. I have a feeling Blunkett would love it here. Seems like Dubai is speeding its way into a police state. 1984 here we come, but sadly, no one really seems to care.

The Maze of the Madinat

2005-12-20T18:02:00.000+04:00

I am convinced part of the 'mystery of Arabia' theme the Madinat Jumeirah tries to give off is to ensure all visitors end up feeling as lost as possible in the ~~Madinat~~ Maze, no matter how many times they've been there.
The signs are so small and unbelievably vague it is no surprise you see tourists milling about, with a look of fear and desperation in their eyes, wondering if they will ever find their way back out to their hotel room and warm beds. Then you have the odd one or two that are frantically running up and down the Maze in search of the nearest toilet. I have yet to see one with a trail of urine behind them so I take it they eventually find their way!
Perhaps it's a ploy by the owners of the Maze to keep us in there for as long as possible, so we throw up our arms in resignation, and max out the credit cards on all the worldly goods and meals for sale. Then of course it magically becomes possible to find the exit and you are left, several thousand poorer.

The end of the York

2005-12-20T10:19:00.000+04:00

The bar at the York International Hotel has been raided and closed by the Municipality, according to local rag 6Days. Now anyone who's been in Dubai for more than a week will know exactly what happens in that bar. The question on everyone's lips is where the hordes of seedy, drunken men will go to satisfy their sexual desires (and be several hundred dirhams poorer the morning after ofcourse), now that their favourite spot is no longer available.
No doubt the management of Cyclone are well pleased at this news.

Too proud?

2005-12-19T16:49:00.000+04:00

While on my way to visit a friend in Emaarville, lost in the maze of similar looking streets and landscaped areas, I drove past a house that not only had South African flag stickers on the cars in the carport, as is typical with most Saffers here, but one on their dustbin too. How strange. You can just picture the husband marching out of the house to the bin with his beer belly, opening it and loudly declaring, "this rubbish is proudly Sif Eefrican!"

Back to basics

2005-12-18T17:26:00.000+04:00

KT reminds me of an ancient person from the past come to life speaking. Take this article, I'm not sure how they manage to write so strangely.

WHEN checking his final results in one of Sharjah’s elementary schools, Hamad — a pupil in Grade III — got the shock of his life when he was pronounced a failure. But after a while, the school informed him that he had passed the grade. Consequently, he was promoted to Grade IV.

Hamad was deeply involved in his studies, and secured high marks in the first semester. Yet, Hamad’s school had surprisingly informed him of his failure in Grade III.
How are we supposed to react to this strange scenario? The little boy had nothing to do with the confusion over his result. Why should he suffer for someone else’s mistakes? Hamad had studied hard for his exams and absorbed his studies quite well, scoring good marks. We do call on Hamad’s school to produce a successful pupil rather than a miserable, depressed one.

Anyway, the Dubai Press Club is hosting a few courses on the "language of reporting" where UAE journalists can sign up to help "polish their writing and reporting while working on basic language skills, such as style grammar and punctuation". If they need to be retaught this how did they become journos in the first place?

Nevertheless, lets hope the DPC can cast a spell all over UAE journalists, that bans from them abusing and reusing certain words over and over and over again. I will spit blood if I ever see the word "luxurious", or the phrase "most exclusive address on the planet" in another property press release.

Someone's not happy

2005-12-12T00:19:00.000+04:00

The Minister of Labour and Social Affairs is furious because he has realised phone calls to the Ministry are completely ignored by the operators.

"You will be placed under investigation if any of you fails to pick up the telephone promptly without any delay," Dr Al Kaabi warned the staff.

Excellent. This is just what we need. Now what we need to do is get the manager of Etisalat a nice shiny but hugely overpriced ADSL connection. Of course, it being an Etisalat connection, will be rigged with problems. Then, instead of flexing his influential muscles, lets have this manager go through his own company's Customer Service department and see how many hairs he will have ripped out of his head in frustration.

Etisalat's Customer Care can be best summed up by what happened to me months ago when I had problems with my ADSL line.

Me:
Hello, I have a problem with my modem, it refuses to work and it won't let me access the Internet at all. (Further description of problem)

Clueless Customer Care Rep on the other end of the line:
Well, if you just log on to the Etisalat site and download the new drivers...

(Phone slammed, expletives muttered)

Fogged mentality

2005-12-08T12:32:00.000+04:00

The police reported two accidents per minute when we had heavy fog on Tueday, which comes as no surprise.
Particularly when you saw tinted, four wheel drives zooming down Sheikh Zayed Road, seemingly oblivious to the fact that visibility was less than 100 meters.

Watch your wallet

2005-12-08T12:10:00.000+04:00

Forget greedy landlords with 50% rent hikes, or a rising number of fees (more commonly known as hidden taxes). The latest type of money-snatcher to hit Dubai is an elderly man with a bearded face that has "a sort of radiance".

Kenny Craig off Little Britain would have a field day here in Dubai. You can just picture it:

"Look into my eyes. Look into my eyes. The eyes. The eyes. Not around the eyes. Don't look around my eyes. Look into my eyes... You're under."

An eye for an eye

2005-12-08T11:41:00.000+04:00

Just next door to us in Saudi Arabia an Indian worker is set to have his eye gouged out by court order as punishment for blinding a Saudi national in a fight.
It really takes the phrase "an eye for an eye" to a whole new level! The whole thing sounds very gruesome and medieval. If the KSA is keen on joining the 21st century it's going to have to get rid of such antiquated practices, otherwise it will be continue to be regarded as a backwater of the world.

Traffic traffic traffic

2005-12-08T11:18:00.000+04:00

Everywhere is gridlocked. Wasl Road, Beach Road, Sheikh Zayed Road. It isn't so much not wanting to go out in the evening, it just seems you are barricaded in and forced to stay at home because of all this traffic. Won't be long before we see people taking to the skies with helicopters in a bid to get round this awful congestion.

Some truly ground-breaking information

2005-12-05T20:02:00.000+04:00

A KT staff reporter probably changed many lives today when he or she revealed the following:

Around 85 per cent of all people suffer from pain in back, neck or shoulder at least once in their life time.

Who would have thought that?! But it soon become apparent the article was a plug for 'Hansaplast ABC Heat Plaster'. At least they could have made it a lot less obvious, even Dubai Eye in its earlier days was cleverer in masking blatant acts of promotion.

Out of sync

2005-12-04T12:05:00.000+04:00

R&B fans in Dubai are in uproar over an Amerie concert here last Wednesday when a technical glitch exposed the fact that the artist was lip synching. They accused her of being artificial and fake - surely a good number of residents can't say they don't bear those same traits themselves?

One step forward, two steps back

2005-12-02T13:52:00.000+04:00

KT has now got its own RSS feed, much to my surprise. Who would have thought the error-prone paper was at the forefront of internet technology? Perhaps they could use the opportunity to get rid of the annoying popups every time you visit their site. No KT, I do not want a "Rupee Checking Account" and I have no desire to "connect with over 100,000 suppliers". Unless they are dictionary suppliers, in which case I'll have them deliver all their products to your offices.

Space toon galaxy to the rescue

2005-12-02T09:00:00.000+04:00

The recent closing of several education institutions in the Knowledge Village has put a damper on the amount of confidence placed on KV institutions. Wollongong University nearly had its own little publicity gaffe which was averted last minute.

Some students are left wondering if their KV degrees are worth the paper their written on, but have no fear, for Dubailand has come to the rescue.

In the form of a Space Toon Galaxy - a project to be built with ten planets, each housing universities, schools, villas, apartments and shopping centres.

Imagine presenting your degree from Planet Jupiter University, Space Toon Galaxy Dubailand, Dubai to a prospective employer. Now if that won't get you laughed out of a recruitment office, then I frankly don't know what will.

Unwritten Rules of a Dubai cinemagoer

2005-12-02T08:43:00.000+04:00

There's nothing more aggravating than queuing up for coke and popcorn at the Mercato cinemas on a Wednesday behind a large family who irritatingly enough only start deciding what they would like to order when they reach the front of the line. And it seems every person in front has to take all the time in the world to carry away their order after paying for it. These are the unwritten rules for the Dubai cinemagoer.

After much deliberation amongst themselves - which was so long you would have thought they were debating international politics - they decided to go for coke and popcorn. The mum's phone then began ringing, at which point she dived into her handbag to answer it, for her snacks and kids were no longer as important.

Meanwhile the queue gets larger and larger, and the mother becomes more and more oblivious to the crowd's evil stares while she chats rapidly and animatedly into her phone, completely ignoring the cups of coke and buckets of popcorn now laying in front of her, ready to be taken away.

After an Arab couple behind get fed up, emit loud explosive snorts and hurl a torrent of loud words, the chatting mum looks round, offended as though she had just been wrongfully accused, grabs her order and stomps off.

Forget Dubai Media City, Motor City or Internet City. Perhaps what we really need is a Manners City.

When a party goes wrong

2005-11-30T18:26:00.000+04:00

If the length of articles in Khaleej Times about the hotel raid on a gay party in Abu Dhabi last week are anything to go by, then the local authorities are taking the incident very seriously. Here's one for instance. A staggering 800 words. The hip 'n' trendy KT journalists must be positively bursting with pride.

Taking it too far

2005-11-30T18:14:00.000+04:00

Now I'm sure the little tremor we had made one or two people tremble, but the Jumeirah Jane that decided to set up camp in her garden later that night with husband and kids in tow was taking it too far! Did she have a campfire and roasted marshmallows underneath the starry Dubai night as well?

Tempting fate

2005-11-27T16:20:00.000+04:00

Were UAE experts tempting fate last week when they said Dubai was not in an earthquake-prone area and there was no cause for concern, yet they still ensured all new buildings could withstand them?
Just today, a tremor was felt in the country in the mid-afternoon. The scene in the office was hysterical. A (much hated by all) colleague had just stepped into the office when the tremor began. Initially, everyone assumed it was due to his thunderous, heavy footed entrance. But slowly, the realisation dawned upon them and there was a mad scramble out of the building, scarves and ties flying.

Dubai Dreams: Episode One

2005-11-22T21:49:00.000+04:00

Who watched episode one of Dubai Dreams, the new BBC documentary? Part of it showed the Dubai World Cup - the world's richest horse race - and I was surprised to see how truly colonial Dubai looked at that moment. Affluent, well-to-do, largely Western expats milling about with lots of expensive drinks while the supposed underclass - the poorer Subcontinentals stood quietly below in far less plush surroundings as their 'masters' looked down on them from above.

Terror at the Global Village

2005-11-19T13:47:00.000+04:00

If the KT is to be believed, apparently visitors to the Global Village were forced to vacate the place because of a 'tornado warning'.

Whether this tornado was metaphorical or literal, I'm not quite sure. The warning turned out to be baseless. Perhaps the only interesting thing about Global Village is how it is promoted as a unique shopping experience with a wide array of authentic goods from places all over the world. A quick scan of the items on display at each country's stall, however, will reveal products with the infamous tag:

Made in China

Double standards?

2005-11-17T18:03:00.000+04:00

You know Dubai is desperately trying to attract the big names in showbiz when MJ is allowed to cross-dress himself into the ladies room at Ibn Battuta without getting a swift deportation order, yet three transvestite men in RAK are sent straight to jail, although they did not visit any ladies rooms. Just how far will Dubai bend backwards and turn a blind eye to rules and regulations in order to put itself on the global map?

37-year old Latifa M. never imagined that she would come face to face with pop icon Michael Jackson, who walked in dressed in a T-shirt and trousers, with his head covered with the Emirati women’s traditional head scarf. The Tunisian, who is a teacher in a private school in Dubai, screamed in shock and ran out of the ladies room when she realised that the woman-like person was a man.

As for the RAK incident:
Three transvestite men who flaunted themselves on the emirate's corniche have each been jailed for six months.

How strange, no deportation order! Three brownie points for guessing these men's nationalities.

Nakheel's latest scam

2005-11-09T14:37:00.000+04:00

Were Dubai property buyers being foolish by not going anywhere near a Nakheel sales contract after the collapsing Garden View Villas fiasco?

In most developed countries such an incident would be major, deeply embarrassing news for the companies involved, but not in Dubai, where the city state's PR machine hastily made sure headlines about Nakheel's villas rolling off hills were kept out of official papers and confined to table talk at dinner circles. One wonders what the authorities here would do should the international press ever get word of the current scams undertaken by the top property developers here. Such as this one:

Nakheel, one of the UAE’s leading property developers, and the company behind The Palm projects and The World, is under fire from residents of Jumeirah Islands, a 700-villa development in Dubai.

Residents have complained of problems with snagging, customer service, security, access roads, stagnating water, landscaping, spiralling maintenance and air conditioning costs and the removal of a golf course from the original plan without the consultation of residents
A resident: “The golf course we were promised has been cancelled, and they are going to build more villas there.”

“It seems that Nakheel has done some value engineering to the finishes and the quality of the materials has been downgraded from what I was originally promised,”

Naturally, some residents refused to accept the house on handover until the problems had been rectified. Classic response from a money-grubbing state protected monopolist?

A number of buyers have been served with repossession orders from Nakheel after they have initially rejected their villas due to poor quality.

Should Nakheel go ahead with the repossession, the buyer will lose half of the value of their house.

You can read the whole story here.

Surely if they can't handle an 800 villa development, why should they be trusted with constructing three artificial offshore islands?

Bearing in mind Nakheel has claimed these projects will not have an impact on marine life. Hmm.

What I don't miss about Ramadan

2005-11-08T13:21:00.000+04:00

Having to practice my breath-holding skills as a fasting colleague rains his bad breath on me while we have a conversation. The normal strategy would be to tactfully offer a Smint, but then I remember it's Ramadan, so resign to continuing holding my nose during this unfortunate torture.

Google: Dubai failure

2005-11-06T23:02:00.000+04:00

Now I'm sure most of us have come across the Google trick of typing in Failure in the search engine page and clicking I'm feeling lucky. Apparently this funny joke has a Dubai version as well!

A certain Internet City-based recruitment specialist company is the target when 'Dubai failure' is entered into the google search page followed by clicking 'I'm Feeling Lucky'. Is this Google's wise wisdom at work, warning the general public of the dangers of dealing with this company?

Still very amusing.

An evening at The One

2005-11-05T17:31:00.000+04:00

Went to The One recently with the bank account raider aka the wife in tow , 'just to have a quick look round at their new furniture!' she said. Or rather, lied.

Several hours and a few delivery appointments later, we got in the car and went back home, where she marvelled and talked endlessly about the new bits and bobs we bought.
Note to self: Nail wallet firmly shut and ban the missus' hands from pockets.

While we were there and I was aimlessly wandering around, looking at the furniture and trying to make time go faster, a Jumeirah Jane moved from item to item with the excitement of an eager dog about to get a bone. At one point, she picked up an item, held it tenderly and began to purr lovingly. Now I know most ladies here love their jaunts to Home Centre, IKEA, and The One to ogle at the latest wicker basket range but surely this is excessive?!

Strip-searched for spare change

2005-11-03T18:01:00.000+04:00

Emarat, one of the largest petrol station chains, admits to strip-searching its petrol attendents to check if they have pocketed any tips.

“Body search is part of the procedure and we will continue to do it. However, a supervisor should ask the staff to take off all his clothes only if he is sure that the staff is guilty,” said Abdulla Al Noman, the retail sales operations manager at Emarat.

The random body searches involve checking the socks, belt or cap for any money hidden by the staff. The strip search is done, in private, only if there is strong evidence of cheating against the staff, said Al Noman. The employee is asked to take off his clothes, which are then checked.

The company commits this act of humiliation to its employees, who are paid a pittance as it is, because they are banned from accepting tips from customers. A company spokesman:

“We do not encourage our staff to take tips from customers and we conduct surprise checks to ensure the same."

How kind, now I wonder, when the tips are found, where do they go, hmm?

Hippest city in the world? Is Dubya the most intelligent man in the world as well?

2005-11-01T20:41:00.000+04:00

According to Fox News, Dubai is the 'hippest city in the world'. Most people will gape at the fact that they actually managed to run a positive article on the Middle East alone. Kudos to the provider of 'fair & balanced' news.

"I'm able to say without hesitation that Dubai is the hippest place on the Earth," said Franko Vatterott, owner of the Human Interest Group, a sports management firm for the crown prince of Dubai. "Nothing there is good enough unless it's the best."

Without hesitation? Is this the same Human Interest Group that is 'the endurance sports management and marketing company for the Dubai Royal Family'? I think the only thing keeping our Franko from saying anything the propoganda machines (example 1, example 2, example 3) wouldn't say themselves is the careful stick being prodded into his back that if broken would cost him both his job and residence visa.

The article goes on about celebs who bought various property in Dubai, not that any sane individual would be particularly proud of the Beckhams or Wacko Jacko being a fellow city resident, but never mind. Special mention to Donald Trump's buttocks-shaped tower on the up and coming Palm J.

We have the usual yammerings about a place of "surreal juxtaposition of barren desert, 21st-century skyscrapers and extravagantly optimistic construction sites that extend as far as the eye can see" among other honey-warming phrases.

What the article successfully manages to portray is a city of style, save the Falcon City of Wonderous Tackiness. What it fails to show is the lack of substance beneath this glamarous facade, and no number of stratosphere-scraping towers will change that until such issues are properly addressed and there is more real cohesion among residents. Should we not be slightly concerned that students have to learn about history from shopping malls?

Until then, give me Bangkok, Hong Kong, Paris or New York over Dubai anyday. And show me any celeb that would do otherwise, with the exception of Wacko Jacko, only because of the abundance of kids for him to prey upon.

The palm irks environmentalists

2005-10-27T21:10:00.000+04:00

Environmentalists are concerned about Nakheel's Palm projects and the damaging effects the artificial islands will have on the ecosystem.

The only known coral reef off the shores of Dubai was destroyed during the dredging work, turtle nesting sites have been destroyed, natural currents rerouted and silt has muddied what were crystal-clear waters, they say.

"It has been detrimental for the natural environment of the Dubai coast, especially at the place and location of the first Palm island," said Frederic Launay, director of the World Wildlife Fund's office in the United Arab Emirates.

"That is a little bit of a shame because there were very good habitats there. There were possibilities of recovery and protection, and there were possibilities of using that natural asset to make something," he told Reuters.

A far cry from the early days of the property boom back in 2003 when Nakheel's men-in-white enthused lovingly of the Palm islands being an oasis for marine life and attracting more to the area to thrive. Was this not the same company that foolishly constructed several hundred villas on rolling hills near Jebel Ali and scratched their heads in surprise when they started falling down?

It makes you question why this self-proclaimed 'City of Gold' needs to constructed man-made islands out in the sea. The only reason I can logically think of is they are being built to compensate for the soulless, characterless wasteland that is the city, and its multifaceted, superficial inhabitants who continue to swim in a sea of self-importance.

Sad news from the hills

2005-10-22T21:50:00.000+04:00

Recently news of the death of a young teenager in The Meadows has been circulating. Apparently she died after crashing into a lamp post while on her quadbike.

An ambulance was called immediately to the Meadows 5 after the fifteen year old's accident, but it took nearly fourty minutes for it to arrive. The police did not want to visit the scene at first, but finally agreed to when they heard Gabriella had died.

This story should hopefully wake Emaar up as to the poor health facilities in their freehold developments. Frankly, fourty minutes for emergency to arrive is appalling, and I urge them to rapidly review their emergency entry and exit vehicle routes, and plans to construct twenty-four hour emergency clinics around the area.

Let us not allow such occurances to become as common-place as accidents on the Sheikh Zayed Racetrack.

On the airwaves

2005-10-17T16:36:00.000+04:00

Just about every single one of us has come across the description of Dubai being a melting pot (which strangely has immiscible contents) of different nationalities that each bring their own culture and way of living into the city. This includes the appalling driving (baby on father's lap while he chats animatedly to a friend on his mobile with a leg dangling out of the window?) and the more bizarre uses of language (a 'thousand apologies' anyone?) but if there is one thing I draw the line at, it is when a radio news presenter gets their first language wrong!

A certain afternoon newsreader definitely riles me up with their abominable pronunciation. Yesterday, with a honey-warming North American accent flowing through the radio waves, the listeners of Channel4 were told by this certain person of how Iran was in the middle of 'noo-cul-lur' negotations with the EU.

Noo-cul-lur? It is nuclear. Two syllables, and for once, the word sounds exactly as it looks on paper! Sadly this certain presenter makes this mistake time after time.

Speaking of Channel4, if they ceased to exist, where else would you be able to listen to the corniest, dullest, non-jokes while on your way to work? Even more grating is the morning show co-host's standard response to every single question: 'Yup yup yup. Mhmm. '

Thankfully Emma B provides a much better quality show than her competitor .7Mhz to the right on the radio dial.

I live in Jumeira, and drive a Pajeira, but what is so glam about it?

2005-10-10T20:19:00.000+04:00

A letter written in to Emirates Today last Thursday asking what was so glam about living it up in Jumeirah. There were not any responses to it. Pity, I was expecting an influx of irate Janes casting a million spells on him for saying such a thing!

As a relative newcomer to Dubai, it always surprises me when I hear that the Jumeirah area of the city is the most desirable district to live in. Can someone please tell me why? The roads are constantly full with choking traffic, massive construction holes and blue-suited labourers.The air is thick with dust, squalid heat and petrol fumes. The much-touted houses are nothing more than oversized villas with garish ornaments straddling the roofs, gates and walls.

Yet the smug look that follows anyone declaring they live in the area is a sight to see.Yes, I live in Jumeirah. I live near third-rate Italian restaurants, Starbucks, over-priced beach resorts I will never use and low-grade beauty parlours. Big deal. Is this really the best area of Dubai? Does it compare to Mayfair in London? The upper East Side of Manhattan? The Left Bank in Paris?

Hardly. Yet to hear the smug, sunglasses-onhead wearing, hire-purchase Porsche driving “media types” that rave about the place, you would be forgiven for thinking that the area was the most desirable place to live in the world. Please take off your Gucci shades, wind down your blacked-out windows and take a good look around. Jumeirah ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

SEAN FLYNN Dubai

Delving into the property prophecies

2005-10-09T21:32:00.000+04:00

A hugely eye-opening post from Secret Dubai concerning the property market and her media mate Kiki's dream. A short extract:

"We knew instantly that the Dubai Revolution had begun - poorer people couldn't find anywhere to live any more, and were taking over. We rushed home - there were thousands of people in the streets - not just Asian labourers, but white, poor Europeans trying to force their way into people's homes.

Click here for more.

On a side note, i wonder who buys these properties when premiums are greater than fifty percent in most cases. As most banks daren't risk financing the entire premium and the ten to thirty percent downpayment against the original value of the property, surely it is no surprise ordinary residents feel the 'soaring property market' is driven by speculators.

7Days and Emirates Today

2005-10-07T17:08:00.000+04:00

7Days columnist Lizzy Millar might not be 'afraid to tell it like it is', but the fact is her alarmingly inane ramblings about three random topics every Friday leaves you clutching and gaping at the paper in shock, wondering if her column is a deliberate attempt at seeing how many times you can yawn in one sitting on a warm morning.

Today's triple serving of boredom, boredom, and more boredom were lines on James Bond, the Double Decker at the new Rotana and her telling us of her imminent trip to Kabul.

Which is just as well, perhaps Dizzy Lizzy will find material worth writing about whilst there with an analysis deeper than a shallow Wasl Road puddle.

Their letters page continues to remind me of childish cat-fights, so from now on any delivered copies of 7days, along with the 'number one' Khaleej Times will have the honour of being used to clean my house windows. Hopefully Emirates Today, which already looks promising will be able to polish the current newspaper and tabloid scene.

Sweet tender humping in RAK

2005-10-05T14:21:00.000+04:00

A young driver in lunacy-phillic Ras Al Khaimah has been sentenced to three months in jail after seducing an unmarried female. The chap spoke of how he had "fallen in love" with her and had made love several times. No doubt she was wearing extremely revealing attire and he simply couldn't keep his eyes off her. The emirate's Criminal Court sentenced him last Wednesday to three months in jail, to be followed by deportation, while his partner will be killed for being 'tainted'.

His employer spotted him going into his barn on a regular basis, and became suspicious as his [employee's] duties did not involve him dealing with animals.

The official said the employer, a UAE national, followed his driver into the barn one day and saw him starting to have sex with a female camel.

The owner lost his temper and started beating him. He then took him to the police station to press charges.

The police official said the driver confessed to police that he used to have sex with one particular camel.

Personally, all camels look to same to me. Seen one, seen them all. I wonder how he could distinguish his sweetheart from all the others, perhaps she had a unique hump?

He should get points for monogamy, regardless.

The falcon city of wondrous vulgarity

2005-09-30T11:18:00.000+04:00

You know there is simply too much cash lying around in Dubai but not enough places to plough it into when you get projects like the Falcon City of Wonders.

Costing nearly $1.5 billion (US Dollars) and to be built in boredom-quashing Dubailand, the project aims to emulate the planet's most iconic landmarks, but all it ends up doing is making a complete mockery of them.

The Falcon City of Wonders is a unique, purpose-built community project featuring structures based on the wonders of the world, such as the Pyramids, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, the Eiffel Tower, the Taj Mahal, the Great Wall of China, the Leaning Tower of Pisa and the Light House of Alexandria. The project is spread over an area of four million square metres, and is divided into five overlapped phases, with the first phase expected to begin by the first quarter of 2006.

The French won't be particularly pleased.

I can only hope this project is some sort of insider joke that has as much a possibility of materialising as Jackson being deemed normal, but sadly it isn't. It even has an official website resembling something hastily thrown together at the very last minute by an incompetant simpleton who only just discovered the joys of Microsoft Frontpage.

Why Dubai thinks any culture-indulging tourist would want to visit an Eiffel tower replica in the Falcon Elysees district (dear lord what were they sniffing when they came up with that name?!) is beyond me. They foolishly assume people will flock to Dubai, reside amidst the gut-wrenching interiors of the seven-star Burj Al Arab and gather around the mock versions of the wonders of the world in awe, whereas in reality people will only come to laugh at such cheap imitations of grandeur.

This line from the project's CEO at the official launch is priceless:

"Falcon City of Wonders is unparalleled in the uniqueness of its concept and the broadness of its scope." - Salem Al Moosa, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Falcon City of Wonders LLC

The lure of the elephant

2005-09-25T21:22:00.000+04:00

Who would care to guess the identity of the secret attractive force deep within the elephant statue at the Ibn Battuta Mall?

Whatever it is, it seems to draw Indians - of all ages and social status - towards it, digicam and cheesy smiles in hand.

Any suggestions? I am mystified by this strange little pecularity - a deeper cultural meaning maybe?

Etisalat's understanding of customer care

2005-09-23T11:55:00.000+04:00

You know our wonderful monopoly Etisalat has got its definition of customer care wrong when it bills its customers even though it realises full well it wasn't their fault.

Many Etisalat customers have complained that their land phone lines were hacked through the internet and asked why should they pay for the hackers.

“I faxed a complaint and e-mailed Etisalat twice, but I received no response. Then I went personally and I got an explanation from the counter that my telephone line was hacked via the internet and calls were made and that I have to pay.”

Hilarious. Etisalat, a telecommunications giant with billion dirham annual profits has not yet mastered the art of responding to faxes and emails! An irony that renders me speechless.

When the new telecoms company starts up, Etisalat beware. Like an elephant, the customer has a very long memory, and will flee the proxified crapness that is your Internet service in droves once there is another alternative.

Fire at the centre of crap

2005-09-22T17:00:00.000+04:00

It's been a week since the Oasis Centre was gutted in an early Friday morning fire. Not that the shopping mall will be particularly missed for any reason - apart from Petland - but there still are a few alarming coincidences.

The centre was struggling to attract shoppers, especially as new malls have just opened or are in various stages of completion.

The mall overlooked a cemetery (the perfect place to read your dead celebs mag with a nice cup of coffee in hand?) and was not in the best of locations.

The owners owned the old Lamcy shopping centre, which burned down mysteriously a decade ago.

The automatic sprinkler system of Oasis Centre was not working at the time of the fire.

The mall is insured.

Later this month, many of its flagship stores such as Home Centre, Splash and Lifestyle will be opening at the Mall of the Emirates.

Draw your own conclusions.

Getting Wild at the Wadi

2005-09-15T15:15:00.000+04:00

Wacko Jacko is settling in well in Dubai it seems.

"Pop star Michael Jackson stunned onlookers when he appeared at the Wild Wadi park in Dubai wearing a white lycra body suit that exposed just his nose and eyes."

Apparently he rented out the entire water park for the day, "inviting parents and their children to enjoy the slides and water chutes".

Lycra body suit? So much for wanting to keep a low profile and blend in with the rest of the population.

Here is a picture so you know what to avoid (in the interests of public safety).

Island Mania

2005-09-11T21:09:00.000+04:00

Quite why this country has a fascination with ruining miles of unspoilt beaches and dumping tonnes of sand in the middle of the Gulf to create artificial islands I'll never know.

As if the Palms and the World Islands weren't enough, Sharjah has announced plans to construct its own little 'eighth wonder of the world' on the sea, to be known as the Nujoom Islands, double the size of the Palm and consisting of 2500 villas, offices and hotels ready in 2009.

Apparently it is set to rival the likes of Palm Jumeirah.

Picture this awe-inspring setting: Crawling inch by inch along the clogged roads of sandy Sharjah to your idyllic home on the Nujoom. A relaxing stroll along the beach after a short dip in the sea (in trousers mind you, shorts are illegal) while you ward off secret police coming to your freehold property demanding to see a marriage certificate for the female that lives with you and insisting she buys 'Sharjah Swimwear' for those daily tanning sessions on the beach.

Sharjah will certainly be giving Nakheel a run for its money.

O' for the delicate fabric of society

2005-09-08T08:38:00.000+04:00

As the summer tourist season draws to a close, Dubai Police no doubt breathe a cautious sigh of relief after their efforts to keep ye "fabric of society" fluttering unblemished by visitors did not go in vain.

In coordination with the consulates, Dubai Police are seeking the cooperation and adherence of tourists in preserving and maintaining the norms of the country especially those that violate the very fabric of society such as expressing intimate feelings in the public places which is punishable by the country’s law.

Given the delightful event that is Dubai Summer Surprises seeks to educate our young ones about foreign cultures - among other things - it was eye-opening to hear of a DSS event where they could learn more about (and I quote) "Red Indians". The link to relevant GN article now expired of course.

Reading recent news articles will leave you feeling it is National Lunacy Week, with tales of wild threesomes, slap-happy dentists and lewd acts incited by the devil in great abundance.

Perhaps the tourists are not to blame for the gentle ripping of society's glorious fabric?

Rant: Cranky cabbies

2005-09-03T22:55:00.000+04:00

Dear Mr Dubai Transport Taxi Driver, the next time you arrive at my destination and realise you do not have enough change for my Dhs 100 note, you will not sit and glare at your steering wheel like it is my fault. This sort of behaviour does not make me want to voluntarily offer to go and find some change at the nearest place with tills for you.

Furthermore, you will not groan and rather tactlessly suggest I go and find change myself, despite rummaging around my pockets and wallet to gather loose change and small notes only six dirhams short of the full fare.

When you finally do give up and go and find some change, do not slide back into the car, hand me my change and sit still, expecting me to let you keep the remaining few fils as a tip. Generally a tip is rewarded for good service, not a shoddy menopausal one.

Apart from that, the Madinat was great.

Communicating luxuriously

2005-08-30T17:43:00.000+04:00

The cheapest Vertu mobile phone starts at Dhs 18,000 and the most expensive Signature Plantinum sells for nearly Dhs 120,000. According to the company, sales of its range of phones in the Middle East "are doing very well" and "the Vertu phone is built to last more than 10 years".

So what is it that is so special about this phone that makes it so pricey?

The sapphire crystal screen is polished by a diamond medium and can only be scratched by a diamond since it is the second hardest material to diamond.

The jewelled, ruby, bearings under each key provide the ultimate click and durability of the key press which has been tested to millions of presses.

How will encrusted precious gems enhance your mobile reception? Will those "jewelled, ruby bearings" lovingly massage my fingers as I click those keys into ectasy? Hardly 'a good deal' for what is essentially a tool you use to communicate with other people at the end of the day, so it is glaringly obvious anyone who buys one is doing so to make a statement. Think of the pickup lines you could use:

"Hey. I've got a work of art in my pants and it comes with rubies and diamonds."

Can you think of any other lines your flash Vertu could impress the ladies with? Answers on a postcard.

Here we go again

2005-08-28T12:38:00.000+04:00

Any one who has been around females long enough will know that some have an uncanny ability for being rather indecisive when it comes to shopping. Hours go by as the clothes on display at each shop are carefully scrutinised and worn, the ultimate exasperating sigh coming as a result of six hours of "does this look good on me?" with no shopping bags (or hefty credit card bill) to show for it. Flitting about from item to item. Dubai does it best.

After talks of offering citizenship to long-term expats were swiftly denied, after news of a hike in visa fees was dismissed a few days after, and just recently after the whole visa ban malarky, here we go again. KT reports:

The Minister of Labour and Social Affairs, Dr Ali bin Abdullah Al Kaabi, has proposed granting UAE citizenship to expatriates of high caliber and highly skilled professionals who could be key contributors to national development.

"Why don't we avail of highly skilled professionals for our economy needs. We should attract them and even grant them nationality to benefit from their high qualifications," the minister has said.

Will this news be fiercely denied in tomorrow's papers?

Responding to a question by your favourite No.1 newspaper, Khaleej Times...

I just choked on my coffee...

69 new ways of getting caught in the act

2005-08-25T08:51:00.000+04:00

The police are installing sixty nine new cameras all over Dubai to make the city "safer for pedestrians" among other reasons.
Better than nothing, however, judging by the lightning speeds employed by blacked-out Land Cruisers as they fly down the Sheikh Zayed ~~Runway~~ Road I don't think an increase in the number of cameras is going to improve road safety. If anything, there will be more cases of drivers slowing down to a civilised speed as a camera approaches, and then rocketing back to 160 kilometers an hour once past it. That, or more tales of daring females exposing their breasts as the speed camera snaps them. Perhaps getting your picture taken by Ahlan! is no longer the latest fad?

Radical measures are needed. Traffic fines proportional to one's income and the seizure of the offending vehicles for a month would be a start. Until then, eighteen people a month will continue to lose their lives on Dubai roads for no reason at all.

Oh, and personally speaking, I doubt these new cameras will be as effective as the 69 position in delivering a satisfactory result.

expatriates.com falls under the heavy proxy hammer

2005-08-22T17:02:00.000+04:00

The latest site not "within the religious, political, cultural and moral values of the United Arab Emirates" is expatriates.com according to Etisalat.

Now slightly curious, I took a look at the website at my work place, which enjoys a proxy-free connection to the Internet. It has very useful sections for Dubai. The site works like an 'e-classifieds' for all sorts of things ranging from real estate to employment and anyone can put up a notice for free.

Presumably the reason it got blocked was because of the 'Personals' section, which admittedly had a few amusing yet bizarre ads.

We will play cards, each turn you lose you will take off a piece of your clothes, I will do the same. If you get naked before me, so that's my prize, I will see your naked body and I won't ask more. If i get naked before you, so you have the right to ask me anything (money or whatever.....) If you ask for money (because you win) it will be limited up to 3000 Dhs. But remember I will not pay unless i lose and get naked before you.
If you are interested in such a fun. contact me..

His phone must be ringing off the hook.

Jumeirah Islands vs islands off Jumeirah

2005-08-21T21:57:00.000+04:00

Long-time desert resident friends of mine returned from a trip to Jumeirah Islands recently feeling very pleased with their purchase. The general sentiment being one of satisfaction and relief for managing to snap up a villa at the original launch - a bargain compared to current asking prices nearly 50% higher.

The story is different for those with interests set just off the coast of Jumeirah. The first palm island, already running a year late, seems fraught with problems. In a Telegraph article, a former construction worker for Nakheel had a few things to say.

When they first designed Palm Jumeirah, they didn't even bother with fire fighting equipment because they thought they could call the inadequate fireboat out from the port at Jebel Ali.

Moroever, with no fixed master-plan, and the goalposts continually moving, Nakheel doesn't really know how many power cables they need to lay or the actual water requirements.

With the European president of the Urban Land Institute predicting "bottlenecks just exiting each of the 18 fronds of the palm" connecting with "Sheikh Zayed Road, Dubai's main highway where traffic moves as slowly as water down a blocked drain" might Palm dwellers end up forced to languish on their luxury island in captivity?

Slithering serpent in Umm Suqeim

2005-08-21T10:17:00.000+04:00

Apparently speeding motorists haven't been the only menace for Umm Suqeim. Pet python Cleopatra was reunited with her owner after spending an astonishing four months roaming the quiet streets of this residential area.

The python escaped from the villa when Cabaj, an 18-year-old secretary from Germany, forgot to secure the fish tank. The loss came just two months after Cabaj had bought the snake for Dh500.

Fear not if you thought the reptile might be harmful, as its owner is quick to point out.

"Cleopatra herself is a nice snake because she's never bitten anybody. She is really calm and everybody can touch her. She's such a nice snake. My friends wear her round their neck. It's wonderful to have her back," she said.

Never mind the fact that it is a bloody python. The return of the "nice snake" back to its fish tank comes as welcome news to all.

The latest chit chat over coffee

2005-08-19T13:53:00.000+04:00

With the end of summer rapidly approaching and the back-to-school season about to kick off, a possible delay in the opening of one of numerous schools set to open this September comes as unwelcome news.

The Wellington School, managed by GEMS, has promised alternative arrangements until the building is ready. Despite announcing the highest school fees of any junior to secondary education establishment in Dubai - commanding Dhs 58,000 annually for the last years of school - applications from prospective students continue unabated, as Jumeirah Janes fall over each other hastily in an attempt to get their children in.

The whole point of this exercise being having the ability to proudly say at the next coffee morning, "I live in Jumeirah and my kids go to Wellington" as their fellow coffee drinkers seethe inwardly and secretely plot another way of outdoing the others in the never-ending quest to be top mum.

Building better standards

2005-08-17T15:42:00.000+04:00

The current safety standards at construction sites were recently subjected to harsh criticism by a top level UK-based construction union boss.

“This is an appalling loss of life, there can be no excuse for this level of fatalities, especially given the billions of pounds being poured into construction projects in Dubai,” said Alan Ritchie, general secretary of UK-based UCATT, one of the largest construction unions in Europe.

This comes as news surfaces of heat-related fatalities not being recorded on official death registers. An Abu Dhabi-based doctor details his findings.

When he went through the data [at the Indian Embassy] he noticed that heatstroke was not mentioned as a cause of death in any of the certificates he saw. He said: “I’m sure that some of them must have died of heat stroke. We saw the data for three or four years and not one case of heat stroke. Isn’t that a little strange? “I’m not saying that all of the deaths are due to heat stroke, but is it possible that all the workers are dying of heart attacks?”

However, the weather is not the only thing to blame for their deaths. Tales of mistreatment and delayed salaries regularly make the headlines of 7Days and the like, often sending workers over the edge. The suicide note of one such labourer,who had to borrow money to buy a stamp for his letter wrote:

I have been made to work without any money for months. Now, for a month I’ve been suffering from a constant headache and wanted to visit a doctor to examine my condition. I asked my camp boss for AED50 ($14) but he refused and told me to get back to work. After my death I want the company to pay all my salary dues to my family and repay the financial debt my family has incurred because of them.

Spinning city in a bubble

2005-08-15T11:57:00.000+04:00

The latest Dubai development proposal that is overindulgent and completely unecessary is a 'rotating city'.

“The whole thing rotates,” said the source. “You will be able to acquire villas, apartments, floating villas on water, [and] flying villas [that] elevate in the air. So you have the accessibility to a villa that not only rotates on ground, but it gives you up to a 15 metre to 20 metre up in-the-air elevation. It’s a mind-blowing project. We [will] have 20 towers with every single floor rotating.

What is notable is the absence of some Sheikh in this press release. Perhaps another Bubble City spoof in the making?

The eradication of undesirables

2005-08-15T09:09:00.000+04:00

It appears Dubai's "young and not-so young" men are finding fewer and fewer welcoming places in the town. After the KT's reported round up of the aforementioned at the beach just a few days ago, it seems the current trend of eviction has spread to the public parks.

About 30 homeless people sleeping rough on parks in Deira have been evicted, according to witnesses. The men, most of whom are Pakistani or Afghan, were reportedly rounded up in the middle of the night on Wednesday.

A security guard at one of the parks said people sleeping rough was not uncommon. “The Deira Open Park has been the last resort for many homeless people,” he said.

Homelessness is a common issue in many world cities, but such 'undesirables' will blight Dubtown's efforts towards a state of utopia, and need to be eradicated, as you can imagine.

Speaking of utopia, in the ongoing Etisalat saga, the company warns of several more days of stone-age Internet speeds, as their cable repair efforts are apparently hampered by red tape.

Internet services in the UAE are likely to remain slow for several more days at least because engineers do not have permits from the Indian government to repair two cables broken during monsoon weather.

An Etisalat spokesman said the permits were taking several days to come since more than one government department was involved in issuing them.

Cringe-worthy customer care

2005-08-09T21:55:00.000+04:00

The ongoing saga with telecommunications monopoly Etisalat continues. After more than a week of reduced Internet services, thousands of dirhams in lost revenue by local businesses and crippled international phone links, the company - which made a net profit of Dhs 1.7 billion in the first half of 2005 - has declared it was not their fault.

Etisalat's General Manager, Ahmed Abdul Karim Julfar, said the 40 per cent degradation of connectivity was not his company's fault, and was beyond its control.

The company had now established that an undersea cable which delivers telecoms services to the UAE has been damaged in two places - off Karachi,Pakistan, and off Mumbai, India. Services have been hit since August 2.

Most interestingly...

Etisalat...ruled out compensation to businesses or a reduction in monthly fees to private customers. The company had fulfilled its obligations so long as customers could access websites based within the UAE - and nothing else.

Customers had plenty to say, courtesy of the 7Days Letters Column. John Bright speaks of his experiences:

"I felt alone in my daily calls to Etisalat, trying to squeeze information out of them. The service engineers almost laughed out loud when I asked questions regarding who to speak to compensation for loss of service (let alone lost business).

They even admitted to me on two occasions that they had been told not to give details of the fault, and also seemed for a long while to refuse to believe that any business applications could be suffering."

Neil B also wrote in to say:

"The cable damage is not an excuse, why should we, the general public, Internet users, be punished, because you don't have a strategic plan if ever something goes wrong. We pay you much more compared to other countries, so please improve your service."

Assuming the damaged cable affects the Internet service of the whole of the UAE, why do friends living in the freehold areas (and using a different ISP) report of normal Internet speeds?

Porn stars and property

2005-08-09T08:30:00.000+04:00

Recently, a Dubai-based real estate company launched an office tower (no doubt amid much fanfare and lots of speculators but very few real homebuyers) in the Jumeirah Lakes development.

Tiffany Realty has launched Tiffany Towers in the Jumeirah Lakes Towers district of Dubai. The towers offer a choice of offices from 800 sq ft and ample parking, recreation deck, high speed elevatotors, prayer area and shopping. Marketing is through Asteco and Atkins is the architect.

However, unbeknownst to them, Tiffany Towers certainly has a reputation already. Will this office tower be modelled after her shapely image?

Meanwhile, in a small island further up the Gulf, reports of Michael Jackson allegedly snapping up a luxury home in the sun were quickly denied by an official source.

"He has no plans at the moment to buy any property here. The reports have all been false."

A great marketing opportunity missed by this tiny kingdom? Regardless, Bahraini parents collectively breathe sighs of relief and loosen the grip on their children.

Sharjah gives the nod to e-divorces

2005-08-05T20:23:00.000+04:00

Neighbouring Sharjah plans give divorces issued through emails, sms and Instant Messenger the official go-ahead. This comes as a result of research to see how new technology fits in with the current laws of the emirate, in a bid to embrace modernity (oh the irony of it all).

Scholars think that divorce through the mail, the Internet and SMS is valid if the husband was the divorcing party and that he admitted having divorced his spouse.

No doubt Sharjah wives will be thrilled.

An e-outlet for debate

2005-08-04T10:26:00.000+04:00

7Days has finally started including Letters to the Editor on its website, a very welcomed decision! Its letters column is probably one of the few places where the public can openly debate on issues, with opinions coming from a wide range of residents.
Some of those letters are rather interesting to read, especially the ones of an unbelievably cow-like Jumeirah housewife - if you have been reading 7Days for the past week you should know what I mean!

Mystery in the Hills of Jebel Ali

2005-08-04T09:52:00.000+04:00

Despite the fact that several hundred freehold villas had finished being built long ago, they still remain 'mysteriously' uninhabited and no local papers have ventured to find out why.

Nakheel (self-proclaimed builders of the "vision of Dubai") the company behind these villas set on rolling sandy hills in Jebel Ali has also been eerily silent on the issue, so it was with interest that I read the following article about the 208-villa hillside ghost town.

The sale on these villas are on hold currently, said a Nakheel sales representative, when approached by Arabian Business. Currently we are not selling these villas. It has not been said as to when they will be up on sale again, but as of now until further notice, its on hold.

After the launch of the Garden View Villas sales drive two years ago, Nakheel claimed to have sold over 200 of the villas on a freehold basis. But since the initial batch of tenants were relocated when the cracks first appeared on the buildings, the powers that be at Nakheel have stopped sales.

"Be kind to the fair sex"

2005-07-30T16:32:00.000+04:00

Apparently, construction workers haven't been the only ones subjected to unfair and horrid treatment lately. The Khaleej Times tells all of how female inspectors for the Ministry of Labour and Social Affairs face distress from their work.

In her complaint, the inspector said that she and her female colleagues had to toil under the sizzling sun while inspecting companies on streets to ensure their compliance with the ban order. She complained that the ministry’s vehicles, they used while carrying out their assignment, were devoid of tinted glass to protect them from the scorching sun.

We believe the plea does deserve to be paid attention to. The ministry should keep the fair sex away from this filed work and assign the task to men, who are more suited to the job.

The poor things.

There's a reason why Dubai calls itself the shopping capital of the Middle East...

2005-07-30T15:27:00.000+04:00

In the Gulf News on Thursday, it was discovered that sexually enhancing products were being freely sold on the streets of Deira.

The creams and gels are being sold mostly in shops selling products imported from a non-Arab neighbouring country, based in the Deira souqs and on Riqqa Street.

Some creams contain hormones, which could affect pregnant women and those taking oral contraceptives. For the most part, Dr Mariam said the creams caused skin inflammation. Other products would simply not work at all.

But the real question we should be asking is, does Dubai live up to its name as a bargain capital, or can people find these products elsewhere for cheaper???

Amusing cabbies

2005-07-30T15:24:00.000+04:00

An Uzbek woman who hired a taxi got the shock of her life when her taxi driver not only refused to take her because the journey was too short, but also forcefully evicted her!

I was so glad to be able to find a taxi, I got into the front seat. When I told the taxi driver where I wanted to go, he simply refused and asked me to get out of his taxi. He was so rude.

"When I refused to obey him, he got out of his driver's seat, opened the passenger door and pulled me out on to the ground. My luggage was also thrown out.

"He then hit me on my legs with his hands and drove off. Luckily I had taken down his taxi number. By this time a crowd had gathered around me. It was so embarrassing," she said.

This story was rather interesting. What cabbies here don't seem to realise is the shortest distances actually make the most money per kilometre!

Vandalism in the Desert

2005-07-30T15:05:00.000+04:00

In this rather unusual story, Kato Ali, a Sharjah resident woke up to find his car splattered with paint. It seems it was vandalised overnight.

"It must have happened sometime between 11.30 pm and 5 in the morning," he said. "I came home late in the night around 11 pm," he said.

He surmised that someone had flung the can of paint while hiding near the wall where he had parked his car.

He should look on the bright side. This could be a chance to re-invent his car. Add some rotating spinners to new oversized wheels, a loud sound system coupled with engine modifications and he may end up being the envy of the country's young, avid racers.

Soaring mercury

2005-07-29T13:16:00.000+04:00

Today, Gulf News published an article declaring Dubai to be rather hot and dry this time of year. Naturally this news comes as a shock to most of the city's residents.

The mercury crept up to 44.7 degrees Celcius in Dubai and the meteorologists' comfort index hit eight which represents "extremely uncomfortable" conditions.

Don't Phunk with My Heart

2005-07-28T15:01:00.000+04:00

It appears that the popular Black Eyed Peas are performing in Dubai this September. In a nation where the radio stations bleep out the word "phunk" from their latest single, believing it to be an expletive, you have to wonder what the actual performance will be like. Will they mouth, instead of sing out loud, this "offensive" word?

National Threats

2005-07-27T11:52:00.000+04:00

After Bloomberg picked up on an Islamic Web site warning the UAE to kick out all non-Muslims and Westerners within 10 days, national authorities were quick to assure people that these threats were baseless.
We can only hope they are right. An attack of any kind will cripple an economy such as the UAE which is still growing. The freehold property market would probably never recover.

The Case of a Blocked Dubai Blog: Part 2

2005-07-27T11:41:00.000+04:00

In a previous blog entry, the story of a blocked Dubai blog was discussed.
After much public outcry the block has been lifted.
A good decision!

The Case of a Blocked Dubai Blog

2005-07-24T13:36:00.000+04:00

Now that news of a popular, satirical blog on Dubai being blocked by the telecommunications monopoly that is Etisalat has made waves, the outcome of this story remains to be seen.

It is a pity that a country that prides itself on defining modernism by having glassy towers, artificial islands and tacky architecture with an obsession of having the biggest and best of everything fails when it comes to the simple issue of the right to express yourself freely. Perhaps what is sadder is that this particular blogger mentioned hasn't been the only one to be threatened.

Goodbye desert, hello tackiness

2005-07-24T13:07:00.000+04:00

As if the quest to turn Dubai into a huge, tacky themepark wasn't enough, now a developer has ventured further afield with the launch of their latest project in Umm Al Quwain, a sleepy emirate further north up the coast.

Unlike in Europe and other parts of the world, the fact that the proposed site is "a vast wildlife area that is home to several unique species of birds and animals" makes it perfect for modern investment in their eyes.

As with practically every other project launched in the UAE, it will be self-proclaimed the most exclusive address to have.

Cinemas, Reptiles, and Shopping Malls

2005-07-16T14:19:00.000+04:00

It seems to be the case that residents of the city have had their prospects of coming in close contact with snakes improve.
An unfortunate cinemagoer's bizarre experience seems to have started this off, when during a screening of Mr and Mrs Smith, a python made a beeline for her legs.

“It was about an hour into the movie and we were engrossed when the women in the row in front started screaming. But the scene was of an explosion and people in the film were running and screaming, so no one took notice,” Ms Sherana said yesterday. “Two minutes later and she was still screaming. A continuous high pitched scream.”

Not only is it a mystery as to how the snake got there in the first place, but the reptile seemingly vanished.

Last night the fate of the reptile was unknown. Police confirmed cinema staff statements that the snake was handed over to Al Rifaa station. But Lieutenant Colonel Ahmad Khalifa Ahmad, director of Al Rifaa police station could only confirm that the snake was received by the police. A station source said: “The animal was caught alive when it was handed over to the police. We handed over the animal to Dubai Municipality.”
But officials at Dubai Municipality denied receiving the creature and said that the Municipality is ready to take it to the zoo once the snake is handed over. Last night, Dr Riza Khan, from Dubai Zoo said: “No reptile capture was reported to us. The animal will be taken care of if delivered to the zoo.

Meanwhile, the large, sprawling Ibn Battuta Shopping Mall recently announed a 'Snake Oasis' as part of the Dubai Summer Surprises. Perhaps we now know where our film-loving reptile has disappeared to.

Driving

2005-07-16T13:09:00.000+04:00

A subject much talked about among Dubai residents is the dire road etiquette here. Driving from A to B is more of a fierce battle to protect yourself from being rammed into by another driver simultaneously talking on the phone, reading a magazine and clipping their fingernails, all the while having their feet propped up on the steering wheel as a means of steering the car.

A recent article in 7Days:

Hundreds of drivers recruited to work for a leading transport company in Dubai are still unable to pass their driving tests, several months after arriving in the UAE. Many of the recruits for both light and heavy goods vehicles - mostly from India and Pakistan - said it is taking them more time to pass their driving tests than they initially expected.

But it's already over two months since I came here and I have still not been able to pass the tests, said Abdul Razaak, one candidate with another recruitment agency. He agrees that the testing pattern is superior and more rigorous in the UAE compared to India.

The battle to save one's life on Dubai roads continues...

It's My Turn Now

2005-07-16T12:54:00.000+04:00

To jump on the bandwagon that is weblogging. It has taken a while but I hope I can provide insights into what it is like to live in the desert, from an expat's perspective.